How to handle divorce emotionally
Jenna heard Tim’s cell phone buzz for the third time that night. She looked at the clock and saw it was 2 a.m. She closed her eyes and resisted the urge to vomit. Before Tim left for work Jenna confronted him, asking if he was having an affair. Tim broke down and told Jenna he was in love with his mistress and he was moving out at the end of the week. Blindsided, Jenna’s first thought was, “ I don’t want a divorce. I don’t know what to do”.
What is emotional resilience?
Emotional resilience is the ability to adapt to stressful situations and challenges. Noticing, allowing, and releasing the intense feelings that arise during the divorce process will allow you to navigate the process with strength, conviction, and clarity.
People react to to a crisis in different ways.
They can:
- Explode emotionally; blinded by anger
- Go numb; feel helpless and so overwhelmed that they can’t cope
- Become the victim; blame others for ruining their lives
OR
- Bounce back stronger and better than before
If Jenna allows herself to get stuck in any of the first three reactions, she will be unable to move forward.
Negative emotions cloud your ability to make decisions and weaken your resolve.
These negative emotions include:
- Fear
- Anxiety
- Distress
- Helplessness &
- Hopelessness
You set yourself up to make mistakes such as
- Throwing in the Towel
- Abdicating Decision Making Authority and/or
- Relying on a New Relationship
Resiliency allows you to manage your feelings in a healthy way. Feel grief, anger, loss, and frustration but don’t let those feelings take over.
How can you boost your resilience?
1. Accept the changes that life throws you
If your spouse wants a divorce, you might be able to delay but you can’t prevent them from petitioning the court and eventually being granted a divorce. Learning to accept the things you can’t control will allow you to focus your energy on those things that are in your control.
2. Learn from your life experience
Although it may be difficult to see at first, there are lessons to be learned from negative experiences. Learning to respond, anticipate, and grow from your experience will make you stronger and more resilient.
3. Focus on the positive
People who expect things to work out tend to rebound best. Think about what advantage there is to having a pessimistic outlook. If there isn’t one, don’t waste your time and energy dwelling on those thoughts.
4. Be confident in who you are and the decisions you make
When you are confident you are able to meet challenges with the expectation that you will succeed and pursue them to the best of your ability.
5. Make time for you
When your world is falling apart it is easy to focus on everything but yourself. Self-care is essential for your mental and physical well being. When you love yourself you are opening yourself to be loved by others.
How Can A Divorce Coach Help?
Luckily for Jenna her friend referred her to a divorce coach. With her divorce coach’s support and guidance Jenna recognized and accepted that her life would be forever changed. She could choose to
- cope or crumble
- become better or bitter
- emerge stronger or weaker
Working with her divorce coach, Jenna was able to boost her emotional resilience, become more confident and emerge stronger.
She was empowered to create a strategic plan to rebuild her life in a new way that works for her.
Source: The Resiliency Advantage by Al Siebert, PhD.
