Second guessing divorce happens more often than you may think. When youโre considering or navigating divorce, thereโs often a turning point. A moment when your clarity collides with confusion and you doubt your decision.ย
Maybe youโve spent months, or years, wishing he would change.
Youโve done the work, tried the conversations, given second (and third) chances.
And nothing changed.ย
Youโve finally had enough. Youโre done.ย
And then he shows up differently.
He says the right things. Heโs โwilling to change.โ He wants to try again.
Suddenly, the ground beneath your decision feels unsteady.
โWhat if this time is different?โ
โWhat if Iโm giving up too soon?โ
โWhat if I regret leaving?โ
These are the questions that keep women awake at night. Not because theyโre weak or unsure, but because theyโre deeply invested in doing the right thing, for everyone, especially their family.
But what if the right thing is the one that asks you to choose yourself, even if it means letting him go?
Why am I Second-Guessing Myself When I Was So Sure About Divorce?
If you’re wavering between clarity and doubt, itโs totally normal. Youโre human. And youโre likely exhausted, physically, emotionally, and energetically.
When clients come to me in this space, theyโre often carrying the full weight of their marriage. Theyโre the ones doing the research, initiating the conversations, reading the books, seeking support. Theyโre parenting, working, and holding it all together. Often times feeling like they are doing it single handedly without any support from their spouse.
And now, in the face of what might be real change, or another cycle, youโre expected to have perfect discernment.
But clarity isnโt always a lightning bolt. Sometimes itโs a quiet truth youโve known for a long time, buried beneath guilt, fear, and social expectations.
As one woman said on a recent divorce clarity call:
โI hate saying this, but no, I no longer want to be with him as my romantic partner.โ
That knowing deserves your attention, even if it breaks your heart.
Can People Really Change During Divorce?
Yes, people can change. But lasting change takes time, consistency, and accountability. ย
What often happens during divorce discussions is performative change. Temporary shifts designed to pull you back into old patterns. Itโs not always manipulative. Sometimes itโs fueled by fear of loss, not genuine commitment.
The question isnโt just โHas he changed?โ
Itโs: โIs the change deep, consistent, and sustainable? And is it enough for you?โ
And even more importantly:
โ Has your sense of self shifted?
โ Do you feel emotionally safe in the relationship?
โ Are your needs being met, not just heard?
Choosing yourself doesnโt mean youโre unwilling to forgive.
It means youโre no longer willing to abandon yourself.
What is Second Guessing Divorce Costing You?
When you find yourself second guessing a divorce, this is the question that often brings the most clarity.
What is staying, energetically, emotionally, or physically, costing me right now?
Hereโs what I often hear from women in this exact moment:
โ โIโm the default parent. Heโs the playmate.โ
โ โIโm always the one holding space. I donโt have anything left.โ
โ โIโm starting to disappear. I feel invisible.โ
โ โLifeโs too short to feel this miserable.โ
The cost of staying stuck is rarely about one explosive moment. Itโs the slow erosion of self-trust, joy, health, and autonomy.
If youโre holding on because you believe things could get better, take a moment to ask:
Whatโs actually changing? And whatโs staying the same?
Hope, while beautiful, is not a strategy.
And love alone is not a reason to stay in something thatโs no longer serving you.
But What if I Regret Leaving?
This is one of the most courageous fears to name. Itโs also one of the most human.
Regret doesnโt come from leaving.
It comes from leaving without clarity, without support, or while emotionally dysregulated.
Thatโs why the work we do together isnโt just strategy.
Itโs nervous system regulation.
Itโs building emotional resilience.
Itโs helping you trust that your knowing isnโt reckless, itโs wise.
You don’t have to make a decision today.
But you do need to stop spinning in indecision, because thatโs whatโs draining you.
Itโs not the big decision thatโs hardest. itโs the constant indecision thatโs exhausting.
You donโt need to be 100% sure.
You need to be honest about what your body, your intuition, and your inner voice are already whispering to you.
How Do I Stop Doubting The Decision To Divorce?
Thereโs no quiz. No right timeline. No perfect moment.
But here are a few signs that your intuition may be asking to lead:
โ You feel more relief than grief when you imagine him not being in the picture.
โ Youโve done the work, over and over, and still feel emotionally depleted.
โ Your identity has shifted, and the relationship hasnโt evolved with it.
โ You feel like you’re constantly shrinking to make the relationship feel stable.
Letting go doesnโt mean you failed.
It means youโve stopped negotiating with someone elseโs potential and started advocating for your own.
A Mindful Moment to Help You Stop Second Guessing Divorce
Take 10 quiet minutes and explore this:
What is staying attached to the hope that heโll change costing me emotionally, energetically, and physically?
What would life look like if I chose myself, fully?
You donโt have to have all the answers.
But giving yourself permission to ask these questions is a powerful first step.
You Don't Have to Navigate Divorce Alone
If youโre in this swirl of back-and-forth, part of you ready to move on, part of you questioning everything, I want you to know this:
You donโt need more advice from books, podcasts or a late night Google search.
You need clarity, support, and a thinking partner who can help you figure out your next step.
Thatโs exactly what weโll do in a Divorce Clarity Call.
Final Thought: You Already Know
You donโt have to rush.
You donโt have to justify your decision to anyone.
And you donโt have to figure it out alone.
You are not selfish for wanting peace.
You are not dramatic for needing more.
You are not a failure for choosing yourself.
