Co-parenting, will it be a Happy Halloween or Halloween Nightmare?
Halloween marks the beginning of the holiday season, and for separated or divorced families, it is the start of what may be a stressful next few months.
Halloween, typically a time of fun and celebration, can feel lonely for divorced parents. It can be a difficult holiday to split and often gets overlooked in the co-parenting schedule. Many parents experience sadness, especially if they don’t have their kids with them for the holiday.
The difficulty of co-parenting schedules on Halloween
Let’s take a look at the case of one of my coaching client’s, Mary.
Mary recently separated from her husband, Jim. They have two kids, ages 8 and 5. Mary has always been the one to take the kids trick or treating because Jim dislikes the holiday. But this year the kids will be with Jim. Mary wonders if she should offer to take the kids for a few hours, or let Jim do what he wants that night, even if it means the kids will miss out on trick or treating.
My coaching clients are able to make the best decisions for themselves and their family when they have taken the time to consider options and possibilities.
What steps can you take to ensure you continue to have a peaceful co-parent relationship this Halloween?
1. Check Your Custody Agreement
If you have a written agreement check to see what it says regarding Halloween. If you chose to include it, the terms of the agreement dictate what will happen. Halloween is often not specifically addressed. If this is the case, the default is the regular schedule, even if it means one parent misses Halloween several years in a row.
If you have not finalized your custody arrangements and Halloween is important to you, make sure it is addressed in your parenting plan or separation agreement.
2. Think About What is Best For Your Kids
If your agreement is silent or you don’t yet have an agreement, think about what is best for your kids.
In the case of Mary and Jim, if Jim decides trick or treating on a school night is not a good idea, and Mary decides this is not fair to the kids, what will undermining Jim’s parenting authority do to their relationship? How will she feel if Jim undermined her? More importantly, how will this affect their kids?
3. Remember It Is Not About You
It’s important in these situations to pause and take a deep breath. Think about how you want to show up. It’s not about you, it is about what is best for your kids. Sometimes the emotion of the situation gets in the way of being able to see clearly what the best move forward is.
There are going to be times when it is unfair. It is okay to feel angry, frustrated or sad. It is important to feel those emotions and release them so you can focus on what is most important-reduced conflict between you and your co-parent.
During her divorce coaching session, Mary raised her concerns about Jim having the kids for Halloween. She explored her reasons for wanting to take the kids trick or treating.
Looking at her options and the consequences of each action, highlighted the real reason Mary was unhappy.
It was more about Mary missing out on Halloween then the kids not being able to go trick or treating with her. This awareness allowed her to choose how she wanted to respond rather than react saving her emotional energy that would have otherwise been spent focusing on Jim.
4. Start a New Tradition
If you’re not able to spend Halloween day with your kids, find a way to still celebrate the holiday and make it special for you and your kids.
Mary realized that although she would not be able to take her kids trick or treating, there are many ways to celebrate and create Halloween traditions in the weeks and days leading up to the actual holiday. New Halloween traditions might include:
- An annual trip to the pumpkin patch
- Apple Picking
- Baking a pumpkin pie, roasting pumpkin seeds, or making other holiday treats from scratch
- Hosting a pumpkin carving or decorating party
- Attending a Fall Festival
- Planning a Halloween theme movie marathon
- Allowing your kids to select the treats you will hand out to neighborhood kids
- Anything else that interests you and your children that you can share together and do year after year
Co-parenting Support
If you have not addressed trick or treating, or how you will spend Halloween with your coparent, it is not too late to figure out a plan.
Combining 30+ years of legal wisdom with strategy, nervous system regulation, mindset work, and subconscious trauma healing, I empower women to embrace the opportunity that the divorce experience delivers for growth and transformation. l will guide and support you in envisioning, and ultimately creating, a future filled with limitless possibility and freedom.